It's been about a year now since I showed up, confused and disoriented, on the steps of Light's Hope Chapel with the rest of the Death Knights that Mograine and Fordring freed. I didn't realize that until I heard some of the other Death Knights talking about it at the tournament grounds this morning because I never made note of the date. When it happened the idea of dates, of even tracking time in some way other than the planning and execution of plans and orders, had been foreign to me for years. The Scourge are immortal, the Scourge have no need to mark the passage of time. And now it's been a year since I ceased being one of them, and in defiance of them I am marking it.

I like to think I've made progress since then. There was so much I couldn't remember when I first broke away, and so much I couldn't handle. The Argent Dawn helped me find my sister, who gave me my family name back and helped me piece together some of who I had been in life. I found a new cause with the Forsaken and the Executioner, though I am still as much Ebon Blade as Forsaken. I confronted Etheris and faced the fact that he didn't want to be redeemed, and in doing so I found the strength to face myself. I still feel like what happened between us was a tragedy, because for all he did I know he really did love me in his twisted way. I still regret that it had to come to destroying him. Maybe over time that will fade. I've found a soulmate, though, in the least likely of places. I've gained more control over my powers and my swords. I've grown into what I've become. There's still a lot I don't remember, but I've come a long way from having to be told my own name.

When I brought it up Ten asked if he should get me a present for it. I guess it is like a birthday of sorts. I don't actually remember when my birthday is, or even know how I'd figure my age. I was 18 when I died, but that was 8 years or so ago, wasn't it? Do the years since count? The more I remember, the more I feel that they do.

What will the next year bring? The fall of the Lich King? Will I even make it another year? All the rumors point toward a push to Icecrown Citadel itself soon. I find the idea of my own death almost incomprehensible. I've been through too much already to imagine anything taking me down. But if we do succeed against the Lich King, what will my purpose be? I have a feeling I'll know in another year's time.

I don't want to be another sad detail in Ten's life. I refuse to. And maybe knowing everything I'm fighting against, not just guessing but actually knowing, will help me keep my darker impulses in check. I won't treat him like the rest of the world has.

((To the side is a little sketch of a black bird.))

((Just a music post today, for Dariahn, for Tendaros, and because Halloween requires Danny Elfman: Oingo Boingo's "Insanity", also available in a full-length live version.))

So he's gonna put his arm around Ten and get all touchy-feely with him while I'm standing right there and then be all, oh I'm just a poor innocent fel creature I don't understand why you might not love me?

I am so going to kill him.

Apparently Lain has decided that he's "cursed", that somehow his caring about people leads to their deaths. Meg told me about something like this once, that if someone's the only one to survive something they feel guilty for it. She says she worked with a lot of Blood Elves who had that problem when she was a Silvermoon guard, because so many had lost friends and family in the war. I hope for his own sake that he gets over it eventually, because usually those who get so upset over losing people are the ones who need them the most, but maybe for the time being it will keep him somewhere safe.

Every time one of them brings up the Scourge invasion of Quel'Thalas I can't help but feel guilty. When I traveled out to see the Dead Scar for the first time a few months ago, it stirred something. Nothing solid, but I think I was there. Not that I would ever admit this to any of them. It's bad enough to be what I am without them also knowing that I may have helped destroy their homes. If they want to overlook that I served the Scourge, I'll let them.

Ten, too, thinks this may be a much-needed break from the front-lines for Lain. Sometimes I swear that man thinks just like a Forsaken. I got lectured by the Executioner for seeing him again, though. We need to find better places to meet, and I need to get better at lying.

The Drunken Kodo is open tomorrow night. Maybe we should drop by there and harass Meg. And we can go to our little house there! At least until the Executioner starts yelling for me again.

Seriously, though, I need to get better at lying.

((It's not entirely related to this post, but I do have a song to share: They Might Be Giants' "She's an Angel". It reminds me of the sort of euphoric confusion that Dariahn feels about his relationship with Tendaros. "How should I react?/These things happen to other people/They don't happen at all in fact." Even if it makes Riv sad when I compare their relationship to things that make Ten a girl. I blame society. ;) ))

Last night the Deathweavers hosted a ball in the Undercity - well, above the Undercity - for this big Hallows' End thing. Meridith had worked with the Deathguards to get some Alliance prisoners for a "buffet", and the Executioner and I arranged for a Scourge prisoner for a public execution. Getting to deal with the prisoner was satisfying, even if the Executioner did the actual executing. Apparently it's a tradition of theirs. Often it's been Scarlet Crusaders and the like, but we had a chance to bring a Death Knight - a Scourge one, not Ebon Blade - to the Undercity for it, and they appreciated the appropriateness of it. The fucker was handsome, th

Lots of people showed up in costumes. Ten and Die were dressed up as each other, hair and all, which was...disconcerting. Sometimes I'd see Die out of the corner of my eye and I'd look over at him all smiles and have to tell myself, "No, that's Die, stop making eyes at him." Ismae was almost unnoticible with some sort of wisp enchantment. Audre was even there, and I felt like a horrible person for just assuming that wherever she was she was probably out of contact for a reason that wasn't being stuck under a boulder for months. Also I am seriously going to kill Naxsath one of these days so help me I will.

Lainiram was upset by the execution because apparently his family was beheaded. I'm sorry it upset him, but that Death Knight didn't deserve any better. I'm disturbed by the idea that these living friends I'm making might have such weak appetites for this stuff. I've yet to see Ten flinch at anything I've done when we've fought together, and I get the feeling he's seen just as bad and maybe worse. I know he'll be okay. But maybe some of these softer allies of ours have no business being in Northrend. Are they going to start crying when it comes time to seperate the Lich King's head from his shoulders? We need strength up there. Sometimes I think the Executioner is right. Not Ten, but some of the others... People like Die wonder why I put up with the Executioner, but I want people like that with me when we finally push through to the Citadel. These fragile elves are fine for evenings by the fire in the Filthy Animal, but I can't forget so easily that we're at war. This holiday of ours just serves to remind us all of that.

I couldn't do it.

I could harden myself to the idea of being a lone wolf, but I couldn't bear the pain I was causing him. I told him I still love him, but that if he wanted to be together we'd have to do it quietly. I hate to have to ask that because his outgoing spirit is one of the things that makes him so amazing, but we can't just announce ourselves to everyone. I don't mind, like, Diederich knowing, but his commanders and mine shouldn't. He deserves someone he can really be with, someone he doesn't have to act professional around in public, but for whatever crazy reason I'm what he wants. I can deal with my own heartbreak, but I can't deal with his.

Meridith once told me that the only kind of love appropriate for a Forsaken is the kind that makes you stronger. And maybe she was just trying to justify her own feelings for the Executioner, but Ten does make me stronger. He gives me something more than myself to fight for. I'm sticking with the name, though, because it's good to have that reminder of what I am. What I am, and what I've done.

Die would likely smack me for saying I need something other than myself to fight for, but that's just how I am. I can deal with my own pain, but I can't watch those I care about hurt. Especially not him.

And when did Rivelli get coherent?

((We'll make it a trilogy with Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody", which was a single so everybody's likely heard it. Next time I will use a different artist, promise. :) ))

((More rust-brown smudges on the page...))

Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.

I am Dariahn Lichreaver, Knight of the Ebon Blade.

((Another song from Kings of Leon today: "Closer".))

I know he's right. I know the Executioner is right and that carries far more weight than any threats he might make, because he's just telling me what I've already known. I can't go on acting like I have with Ten, and he can't go on like that either. But it hurt so much to see him hurt. He's already hurting from what happened in Icecrown, already disillusioned with the Argent Crusade and his own people and just about everything else. I wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be okay but it won't, because for whatever crazy reason I'm what he wants and we can't be together. I'm not meant to be happy, but he should be. He deserves it. He deserves to be loved. If he ever truly needs me I'll be there for him, but he deserves more than I can give him.

For myself, I'm only worried about what I'll become without his influence. Maybe I'll still be able to see him just enough to keep me from losing myself completely. I still have Meg, at least. I don't want to have escaped from the Scourge just to become someone else's pet killer. Ten made me believe I was more than that. I have to try to keep believing it.

((Part of why I don't like to do lyric posts is because when I do find a song that totally fits a character, half of the meaning is in the music itself. So instead I'll give a link to the song that's gone through my head for most of this: Kings of Leon's "Cold Desert".))

((At the edge of the page, about halfway down, is a rust-brown smear.))

I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to go be social with Ten and the rest last night, but now I remember why I usually don't. I spent years being taught how to kill people. I was never taught to talk to them. Maybe I'm softer than I've let myself believe. Maybe it's some lingering, buried humanity that compels me to try to find friends and companionship despite what I've become. Die, at least, would probably understand, but he's an elf and from what I've gathered he's from the sort of well-off family that probably did teach their children how to talk to people. I've come to realize that Ten understands more than his shiny happy self would let on, and I'm sure he'd say it's just me being more than what I am. I wanted to go for him anyway, because he was feeling down last night. Lain seems nice enough, and Ismae is Forsaken like me. Even that elf girl who showed up and started stripping (Aquita?) was all about the love and acceptance. So I guess I thought it would be a good idea because they've lulled me into a false sense of security.

But what it comes down to is that I'm not prepared when someone who is an ally, especially one of my own kind, becomes hostile, especially for something absolutely incredibly reasonable like me obviously being involved with someone I have no business being involved with. What was I going to do, attack her? Caeryn is my sister's boss, for all intents and purposes, and a Deathstalker and a Forsaken and someone who has every right to call me out for forgetting myself. And I was already feeling like a tool for eavesdropping on Die and Ismae even if that was completely Ten's idea. I appreciated Die coming to our rescue claiming there was an emergency down by the docks, but it's not like it wasn't deserved. I don't deserve someone like Ten.

I wish I didn't still feel like I needed companionship. I wish I could be the unfeeling killing machine the Executioner clearly wants me to be. I'm good at this, sick as it is. But even as one of the Scourge I wasn't alone. Not that that was painless either.

Maybe I just need to try harder.

I don't know how he can just forgive me like that, unless this is some paladin turn-the-other-cheek

Bad choice of words.

I knew that someday it would likely come to this, to Ten's confidence and his need to prove himself ending in me finding his bleeding, broken body out in the snow up here. He thought he would have the power to fight them all. I thought I would be strong enough to still resist the taint in my thoughts even if it was pushing me to do something that I actually really wanted. I just couldn't let him go yet, I couldn't let them take him away from me forever when I could bring him back. And I could make him not hate me for it if I had to. That's the most unforgivable, that I considered that. We've always been controlled by others. That I even considered doing that to him... Even if he's forgiven me, I don't know that I ever can.

I assume it was the Light still clinging to him that brought him back from death while I was fighting with myself. The Light saved him from me. I don't think the Light will be able to heal the runes I left on his face, though. They'll always be there to remind me that deep down I'm no better than any of the others anymore. I would have left after leaving him with the Crusade, just to save him from myself, but I felt like I had to stay and face his wrath. In the absence of his wrath, I'm just going to have to face my own.

I'm all he has. How sad and terrible is that?

Dare,

So y'know that Caeryn woman that troll in Brill was asking you to ask me to ask Bloodaxe about? My friend Saraquael was apparently contacted by someone "from the Undercity" named Rosse saying that she's missing. Miss Sara was under the impression it was him she was off working for, so now she's worried. I'm sure wherever Caeryn is she can take care of herself, but I'm following up for Miss Sara's sake.

So...you heard of this Rosse guy?

-Meg

P.S.- I'm sober enough now to have figured out the trick with the frozen mug. Real cute. I think I'll keep my soul and endure the tepid beer.

((To be continued in megwheeler's journal!))

I'm pretty sure I wasn't a big drinker when I was alive. I know I wasn't when I was with Etheris*. And I have enough problems that require me to retain my willpower and focus nowadays not to be very interested in this Brewfest business. I guess I can see the appeal to Meg, who's apparently become an alcoholic or something in undeath. At least Ty is keeping an eye on her. I don't know what the Executioner was doing there, but he said something about a "brilliant plan" and he was in his Apothecary robes so who even knows. Diederich got into a fight with Ismae, so he was there drowning his sorrows. (I don't care what he says, the blue hair is really really cute.) He thinks I'm being unfair to Ten by trying to protect him from myself. If it was anyone but another Death Knight I'd brush it off as him not understanding, but I think if anyone did it'd be him. Maybe I just worry that he doesn't understand Ten and his convictions. Ten, for his part, seems more interested in saving people from the sins of Brewfest than taking part himself, so that's at least one person on my side. Maybe we'll just hide at the Tournament for a little while until things blow over. He's got his mission coming up soon anyway.

Stupid goblins.


*Because somehow writing "with Etheris" is easier than writing "brainwashed into being a Scourge lackey".

((I've realized in RPing Dariahn that there's a lot about his character that by its nature can't really be revealed in a social setting, unless I felt like being one of those RPers who runs around Silvermoon being a badass and murdering people in front of guards.

( This is about that side of him.) )

I really don't know what makes anyone think that this "Light" business has any relevance to me anymore. I mean, yeah, it sounds pretty, but...it's like



I'm not part of it anymore. And while I can't really argue with the "Respect" and "Tenacity" business, I can't afford Compassion, not in any kind of general sense. I'd starve to death. I don't hold it against Ten or Ty for dragging me with them, but it just reminded me of how different I am from them. I'm not some noble warrior, I'm a predator. There's a reason the Knights of the Ebon Blade have their own delegation at the tournament and don't report to the Crusade. They work with us because our leader and theirs were once friends, but they know what we are. It's touching that Ten and Ty don't think of me as some horrible monster (or if Ty does he tries for Meg's sake not to show it), but that doesn't mean I'm not one. Not that what I am to them should matter, they're living and paladins but Ty is all but married to my sister and I was foolish enough to let myself get attached to Ten. Enough that it hurt when Isame brought up that crazy business with him and Diederich. Moreso because I had just been thinking thanks to that sermon that he needed someone more like himself. Not that Diederich isn't Ebon Blade too, but at least he's a dead elf. Ten said it was just some crazy accident, and he was so upset by the idea that he had upset me that I swear Icecrown Glacier itself would melt at him crying like that. I just don't know what to do about him. I can't be what he needs, but I want to be what I can for him.

If he keeps calling me Snowflake in public I may have to kill him, though.

A week or so ago my sword got broken. The Executioner and I were helping the Argent Crusade clear out some of the frostwyrms near the tournament grounds and one of them got Lichreaver in his jaws just right to snap the blade in half. He says I blacked out when it broke, so he finished off the dragon and took me back to the camp. I woke up back in one of the Argent tents, bandaged from where it had trampled me after I fell, and I felt absolutely terrible. He helped put me back together - it's surprising what a good Death Coil spell will do for someone like me - but with my runeblade broken I felt weaker than I can ever remember. Ten came to visit too, and seeing him helped distract me from how bad I was feeling, but it was pretty obvious I was going to have to do something about the sword as soon as I could.

I took one of the Crusade's dragonhawks out to the Shadow Vault and spoke with the Death Knights there, working out what could be done. The runework had been designed to run all as one blade, and I barely got more than a hum of power from holding the hilt. They warned me that having it reforged would be painful, but trying to go on without it would be even more painful and probably fatal. It was still bound to me, and it was still hungry, but like a monster with broken teeth it couldn't feed until it was fixed. I couldn't feed until it was fixed.

The reason I figure this is worth bringing up when I'm supposed to be piecing together my memories is because they suggested I could have the halves reforged as a pair of blades like a few of the others use. When I got back to the tournament grounds I found a pair of training swords and practiced with them a bit, just to see how it felt. And it felt perfect, like I'd trained for that style of combat before. The more I worked with the training swords, the more natural it felt. I'm still not sure why. It may have something to do with that lost time between Etheris-the-Necromancer and Etheris-the-Lich, but it was more of a sense of deja vu than any real memories. Maybe more pieces will fall into place as I go.

The Knights at the Shadow Vault pointed me to a Forsaken swordsmith in the Undercity who specializes in Scourge weapons and he took the two haves of Lichreaver and reforged them into two whole smaller blades. Having someone heat part of my soul in a forge and then bang on it with a hammer was about as painful as they warned, but I think I managed not to show it too much. I runed them at Ebon Hold rather than the Shadow Vault just for sentimentality's sake. (I may have overdone the Frost a bit.) They feel like one being still, they hunger as one, but I feel compelled to give them seperate names. "Revenant" and "Reckoner" popped into my mind and buried themselves there, and I long ago learned to just accept things I'm told like that. Anyway, Lichreaver was just my own voice. The blades need their own identity now.

I should be thankful that Ten's commanders in the Argent Crusade did what I was having so much trouble finding the nerve to do, telling him we had no business being together. Let him pin the blame on them, and on the war, and not on me. Either way he's safer like this.

I never thought to regret what I've become until I saw how much it hurt him that things have to be this way. I do wish we could just be together, but I've been too pragmatic to let myself believe it was really possible. It hasn't hurt me so much because I was ready for it, but he wasn't. I just can't be what he needs. I can't give up this power, not for Meg and not for him. Even if Lichreaver wasn't tied to my soul I wouldn't give up the only chance I have to be strong enough to fight the Scourge. If anything they make me want to fight harder. The Lich King has so many ruined lives to answer for...

And I'd swear some days when I'm out here I can hear him laughing.

Ten.

I think I finally understand what it is he sees in me. It's like what Meg said, that what you are doesn't have to be who you are. I didn't know how he could say someone so corrupted could give him hope, but I realized the other night that what sets me apart from so many of the others we know is that I don't seek out the darkness. I am what I was made, and what I was trained to be, but I don't revel in it. Even when he starts to rage against everyone who strives to become something evil he still sees me as a comrade, as an exception, despite what I am. So I guess if someone like me can still try to be a basically decent person, that's hope for all the other things that have been corrupted in this world, right? And for my part it gives me hope that someone like him can accept me. Maybe this world can manage not to tear itself apart after all.

But it doesn't change what I am. I was made and trained to kill people like him. My power is centered completely around destroying the living. It's the power of disease and death and corruption, powered by the souls of whoever I choose appropriate for Lichreaver to feed on. And even though I try my best to use that power only for what I must, even though I don't revel in it like the people he hates, I still risk hurting him just by being in contact with him. It's because I love him that I can't wait for the first signs that I've infected him with some plague that's too ingrained in me to restrain completely. I already have to struggle with this taint that's crept into my thoughts since I killed Etheris. I don't even want to consider the things that have popped into my mind to do to him that I know aren't what I really want. I've let my feelings for him get the better of my judgement too much already. I will still be his friend, and his protector, and his brother in vengeance if that's what he wants. I'm still putting the finishing touches on the little radios I'm making for us so he can reach me if he needs me. I'll still teach him to understand Gutterspeak so he can understand our meetings and report back to the Argent Crusade. Meg once said that sometimes the best way to love someone is to be the best friend you can. I just can't be as close as he needs me to be. I can't risk it. I hope I can make him understand that.

I've finally found someone who shares my feelings and I can't be with him by the very nature of what I am. I know as much as any of my kind that Fate is cruel, but I wasn't prepared for this.

I don't know wha
He said he lo

I tried to put myself above the whole pining for companionship thing, and right when I thought I had finally done it someone had to come along so perfect and bright that all my defenses have been blown apart. And he's an elf. And a paladin. And I don't know how I could deserve that, except for having apparently been one of the few people in this cold dark world to show him any real kindness. Something about him just sets off every protective instinct I have. He's been hurt, horribly, and I want to keep anything from ever hurting him again. Even if it means protecting him from myself. I've tried my best to make it clear to him what I am, because if it's going to make him run screaming I want him to do it now, before I let myself get too attached. I already doubt there could be much physical between us unless he's got an icicle fetish, no matter how much I might daydream otherwise. But even beyond that... When Doc was talking last night about turning him into one of us for his own good if necessary, for a moment it seemed like such a good idea and he'd be mine...and then I was terrified that I had even thought that. I like him because he's so many things I've given up on being. That's why the flower from Stratholme seemed like such a good idea, something still untainted. That's what I want to protect. I can't bear the idea of doing to him what Etheris did to me. No matter how much easier it might be, I couldn't do it. He is a good incredible perfect thing and I won't let anything hurt him.

I should talk to Meg.

The thing about fighting the Scourge is that the majority of them are only satisfying in a moral sense. There are some like I was who have been able to keep their souls because they're loyal enough or controlled enough or just ironic enough to be above standard mindless fodder, and there are those idiot vrykul who serve willingly even while they're still alive, but your average ghoul is just reanimated flesh and therefore not very filling. I've thought about asking the Executioner how he draws out and stores souls for later use so I could have some available when I'm out in the frozen wastes for awhile and Lichreaver's hunger begins to pain me, but it probably involves the sort of spellcasting I've never been very good at. Fortunately going back to the Undercity gets me close to a nice juicy emcampment of humans who happen to also be threatening my people. Killing Scarlet Crusaders is a win-win.

I thought I saw Rivelli in the Undercity yesterday, and later that Envie girl who's always with the Doc confirmed it. I don't have a lot of confidence that he'll be smart enough to keep his distance, but I wouldn't complain about another chance to put him down. He's not under Curse's protection anymore, or Doc's. I can't allow a Death Knight who can't control his runeblade to stay among the Forsaken.

I've been getting Meridith to let me serve at the Gallows more lately because I'm actually starting to enjoy it. I met a paladin there who's making me understand what Meg sees in elves. He's such a fragile skittish thing, though, and clearly completely in denial. Lucin is usually there, and that troll he's with, and sometimes Doc and his girls and after all the time I spend in Northrend it's good to come back and remember what it is I'm trying to protect. Now that I have my own vengeance I'm looking at the bigger picture.