So it occurs to me - or it did the other night, when I was talking to Ten - that I've never really explained to anyone how things were between me and Etheris. No, I guess I kind of explained it to Doc once, but he seemed such a natural expert on completely fucked-up relationships that I (rightly) figured he would understand that there might have been something more complicated than mindless slavery going on. To Ten, and to Meg, and to Meridith, to everyone I've talked to about him he was just the lich I served when I was a Scourge minion. It's simpler that way.

Maybe I should talk to Doc again and explain more of what's going on, that I'm not just trying to stop any old lich from affecting my thoughts but specifically that one. I don't want to absorb him more than I already have. I want him out and locked away until the Scourge have been defeated. I felt that I had to kill him because he couldn't be redeemed, but the chances of that seem more likely now. And if Doc can't help me, someone has to be able to. Some warlock in the Magic Quarter has to be willing to accept that whatever they help take out of me should just be turned over to me and not killed if I pay them enough gold. Then I'll just have to keep him hidden. There's no way I could stop my friends from killing him without having to explain all the complications, and there are things none of them need to know.

((It's a little-known fact that all my characters have a Jonathan Coulton song assigned to them. After having most of his albums on random today, I have given Etheris not just one but two. ;) ))

I think I understand now why it's been so hard for me to stay near Icecrown for long. That bit of Etheris that's still inside me, that keeps influencing me, wants me to go back to them. He's weakening my defenses from the inside, planting little seeds of uncertainty about why I'm fighting them to wear away at my willpower. He's quietly pushing me back to the Scourge.

So the question I now face is this: Could I get him out? Is there some magic to extract whatever's left of his soul from me so I can get back to what I need to be doing up there? I could probably ask the Executioner or Meridith as a hypothetical question, but I don't know if I would want either of them involved in the actual ritual or whatever needs to happen. Because I don't know what I would do once he was out, if it brought him back in some form, and I don't want them making that decision for me.

I should kill him again, with a normal weapon this time. I know that's what I should do. I just don't know if I could, especially if he's not strong enough to be a threat. I won't be his again, but...I know he meant well. In his sick, fucked up way, he really did think he was helping me. I understand that now. I'm already keeping him locked away inside me, in a sense, whether that's what I intended or not. If I could just keep him locked away where he can't interfere until this war is over and the Lich King falls, he won't have a Scourge to go back to.

Or maybe it's not possible and I'm stuck with him in my head and it's a moot point.

The edge is too close here. Too many times I've turned to the Executioner to realize I had expected to see Etheris there, or had to pull myself back from a sudden feeling that I'm fighting on the wrong side. The places we've infiltrated bring back too many memories that I had tried to write off as belonging to someone I no longer am. I've held myself together so far, but every so often I have to take some time to go back to Dalaran or even the Undercity to ground myself. Seeing Ten, or even Meg or Die or Lain or Ty or, fel, even turning around and seeing it actually is still the Executioner helps. (Why do none of my friends go by their full names?) Maybe I should ask Meg to tell me more stories about my life before so I can focus on what the Scourge took from me. I know I can be strong enough. I just have to want to. I have to remember the rage I mustered when I killed Etheris. I have to remember that I'm not just here because I was commanded.

The sooner we can break open the Citadel and let everyone get their little vengeances, the better.

Everything's so busy now that I barely have time to write, but I feel like I should, because what's happening now is so significant. And don't think it hasn't occurred to me that I could lose my memory again and be left with only this journal to tell me who I am. Especially now, at the foot of Icecrown Citadel itself, where it would be all too easy to slip back under His control. I know in my head that I'm strong enough to fight it, but in my heart I still worry. I'll keep this on me at all times in case I need to remind myself who I am, and why I should fight my way back to freedom if I fall again.

Of course, Diederich would say I should fight for myself. But Diederich, for all his good intentions, doesn't seem to understand that it can be enough to know you're serving a just cause, or helping someone you really care about, or fighting for anything that's not your own personal reasons. I bet the Scourge was the first time he ever had to serve anyone. Maybe I am too much of a pushover, but I don't see how it's hurting anything. I know he means well, but I really don't mind.

Anyway. The reason everything is so busy, and I'm at the Citadel, is because we're finally making our big push. The respective Highlords of the Argent Crusade and Ebon Blade have combined their forces into the Ashen Verdict, a force that we're all hoping will be able to break down the doors to the Citadel (Literally! They have a battering ram!) and take down the Lich King. The Dark Lady has already been working with a force of Horde soldiers at a side entrance, and I've heard the Alliance has some of their leaders here as well. So many have suffered because of him, and now they all want their piece. I know what kind of power he has, but I still can't imagine him standing up to all this.

I still don't know what's going to happen afterward. Meridith was ranting at length over the radio all last night about some sort of orcish occupation in the Undercity, some kind of oversight of the Apothecarium. When the Lich King falls, are we still going to have allies? My own ties to "The Living" are stronger than they should be. I don't want to have my loyalties tested. Or maybe it would be Ten whose loyalties would be tested. He's not thrilled with what his own people have become. I don't know how he'd take it if they turned on the Forsaken, or vice versa.

Meg just spotted me, and she's looking like she wants to talk, so it's time to wrap this up. Hopefully the next thing I have to say will be an announcement of victory. Keeping my hopes up, at least.

Remember who are you, Dariahn. Don't let them take that away from you again.

It's been about a year now since I showed up, confused and disoriented, on the steps of Light's Hope Chapel with the rest of the Death Knights that Mograine and Fordring freed. I didn't realize that until I heard some of the other Death Knights talking about it at the tournament grounds this morning because I never made note of the date. When it happened the idea of dates, of even tracking time in some way other than the planning and execution of plans and orders, had been foreign to me for years. The Scourge are immortal, the Scourge have no need to mark the passage of time. And now it's been a year since I ceased being one of them, and in defiance of them I am marking it.

I like to think I've made progress since then. There was so much I couldn't remember when I first broke away, and so much I couldn't handle. The Argent Dawn helped me find my sister, who gave me my family name back and helped me piece together some of who I had been in life. I found a new cause with the Forsaken and the Executioner, though I am still as much Ebon Blade as Forsaken. I confronted Etheris and faced the fact that he didn't want to be redeemed, and in doing so I found the strength to face myself. I still feel like what happened between us was a tragedy, because for all he did I know he really did love me in his twisted way. I still regret that it had to come to destroying him. Maybe over time that will fade. I've found a soulmate, though, in the least likely of places. I've gained more control over my powers and my swords. I've grown into what I've become. There's still a lot I don't remember, but I've come a long way from having to be told my own name.

When I brought it up Ten asked if he should get me a present for it. I guess it is like a birthday of sorts. I don't actually remember when my birthday is, or even know how I'd figure my age. I was 18 when I died, but that was 8 years or so ago, wasn't it? Do the years since count? The more I remember, the more I feel that they do.

What will the next year bring? The fall of the Lich King? Will I even make it another year? All the rumors point toward a push to Icecrown Citadel itself soon. I find the idea of my own death almost incomprehensible. I've been through too much already to imagine anything taking me down. But if we do succeed against the Lich King, what will my purpose be? I have a feeling I'll know in another year's time.

I don't want to be another sad detail in Ten's life. I refuse to. And maybe knowing everything I'm fighting against, not just guessing but actually knowing, will help me keep my darker impulses in check. I won't treat him like the rest of the world has.

((To the side is a little sketch of a black bird.))

((Just a music post today, for Dariahn, for Tendaros, and because Halloween requires Danny Elfman: Oingo Boingo's "Insanity", also available in a full-length live version.))

So he's gonna put his arm around Ten and get all touchy-feely with him while I'm standing right there and then be all, oh I'm just a poor innocent fel creature I don't understand why you might not love me?

I am so going to kill him.

Apparently Lain has decided that he's "cursed", that somehow his caring about people leads to their deaths. Meg told me about something like this once, that if someone's the only one to survive something they feel guilty for it. She says she worked with a lot of Blood Elves who had that problem when she was a Silvermoon guard, because so many had lost friends and family in the war. I hope for his own sake that he gets over it eventually, because usually those who get so upset over losing people are the ones who need them the most, but maybe for the time being it will keep him somewhere safe.

Every time one of them brings up the Scourge invasion of Quel'Thalas I can't help but feel guilty. When I traveled out to see the Dead Scar for the first time a few months ago, it stirred something. Nothing solid, but I think I was there. Not that I would ever admit this to any of them. It's bad enough to be what I am without them also knowing that I may have helped destroy their homes. If they want to overlook that I served the Scourge, I'll let them.

Ten, too, thinks this may be a much-needed break from the front-lines for Lain. Sometimes I swear that man thinks just like a Forsaken. I got lectured by the Executioner for seeing him again, though. We need to find better places to meet, and I need to get better at lying.

The Drunken Kodo is open tomorrow night. Maybe we should drop by there and harass Meg. And we can go to our little house there! At least until the Executioner starts yelling for me again.

Seriously, though, I need to get better at lying.

((It's not entirely related to this post, but I do have a song to share: They Might Be Giants' "She's an Angel". It reminds me of the sort of euphoric confusion that Dariahn feels about his relationship with Tendaros. "How should I react?/These things happen to other people/They don't happen at all in fact." Even if it makes Riv sad when I compare their relationship to things that make Ten a girl. I blame society. ;) ))

Last night the Deathweavers hosted a ball in the Undercity - well, above the Undercity - for this big Hallows' End thing. Meridith had worked with the Deathguards to get some Alliance prisoners for a "buffet", and the Executioner and I arranged for a Scourge prisoner for a public execution. Getting to deal with the prisoner was satisfying, even if the Executioner did the actual executing. Apparently it's a tradition of theirs. Often it's been Scarlet Crusaders and the like, but we had a chance to bring a Death Knight - a Scourge one, not Ebon Blade - to the Undercity for it, and they appreciated the appropriateness of it. The fucker was handsome, th

Lots of people showed up in costumes. Ten and Die were dressed up as each other, hair and all, which was...disconcerting. Sometimes I'd see Die out of the corner of my eye and I'd look over at him all smiles and have to tell myself, "No, that's Die, stop making eyes at him." Ismae was almost unnoticible with some sort of wisp enchantment. Audre was even there, and I felt like a horrible person for just assuming that wherever she was she was probably out of contact for a reason that wasn't being stuck under a boulder for months. Also I am seriously going to kill Naxsath one of these days so help me I will.

Lainiram was upset by the execution because apparently his family was beheaded. I'm sorry it upset him, but that Death Knight didn't deserve any better. I'm disturbed by the idea that these living friends I'm making might have such weak appetites for this stuff. I've yet to see Ten flinch at anything I've done when we've fought together, and I get the feeling he's seen just as bad and maybe worse. I know he'll be okay. But maybe some of these softer allies of ours have no business being in Northrend. Are they going to start crying when it comes time to seperate the Lich King's head from his shoulders? We need strength up there. Sometimes I think the Executioner is right. Not Ten, but some of the others... People like Die wonder why I put up with the Executioner, but I want people like that with me when we finally push through to the Citadel. These fragile elves are fine for evenings by the fire in the Filthy Animal, but I can't forget so easily that we're at war. This holiday of ours just serves to remind us all of that.

I couldn't do it.

I could harden myself to the idea of being a lone wolf, but I couldn't bear the pain I was causing him. I told him I still love him, but that if he wanted to be together we'd have to do it quietly. I hate to have to ask that because his outgoing spirit is one of the things that makes him so amazing, but we can't just announce ourselves to everyone. I don't mind, like, Diederich knowing, but his commanders and mine shouldn't. He deserves someone he can really be with, someone he doesn't have to act professional around in public, but for whatever crazy reason I'm what he wants. I can deal with my own heartbreak, but I can't deal with his.

Meridith once told me that the only kind of love appropriate for a Forsaken is the kind that makes you stronger. And maybe she was just trying to justify her own feelings for the Executioner, but Ten does make me stronger. He gives me something more than myself to fight for. I'm sticking with the name, though, because it's good to have that reminder of what I am. What I am, and what I've done.

Die would likely smack me for saying I need something other than myself to fight for, but that's just how I am. I can deal with my own pain, but I can't watch those I care about hurt. Especially not him.

And when did Rivelli get coherent?

((We'll make it a trilogy with Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody", which was a single so everybody's likely heard it. Next time I will use a different artist, promise. :) ))

((More rust-brown smudges on the page...))

Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.

I am Dariahn Lichreaver, Knight of the Ebon Blade.

((Another song from Kings of Leon today: "Closer".))

I know he's right. I know the Executioner is right and that carries far more weight than any threats he might make, because he's just telling me what I've already known. I can't go on acting like I have with Ten, and he can't go on like that either. But it hurt so much to see him hurt. He's already hurting from what happened in Icecrown, already disillusioned with the Argent Crusade and his own people and just about everything else. I wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be okay but it won't, because for whatever crazy reason I'm what he wants and we can't be together. I'm not meant to be happy, but he should be. He deserves it. He deserves to be loved. If he ever truly needs me I'll be there for him, but he deserves more than I can give him.

For myself, I'm only worried about what I'll become without his influence. Maybe I'll still be able to see him just enough to keep me from losing myself completely. I still have Meg, at least. I don't want to have escaped from the Scourge just to become someone else's pet killer. Ten made me believe I was more than that. I have to try to keep believing it.

((Part of why I don't like to do lyric posts is because when I do find a song that totally fits a character, half of the meaning is in the music itself. So instead I'll give a link to the song that's gone through my head for most of this: Kings of Leon's "Cold Desert".))

((At the edge of the page, about halfway down, is a rust-brown smear.))

I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to go be social with Ten and the rest last night, but now I remember why I usually don't. I spent years being taught how to kill people. I was never taught to talk to them. Maybe I'm softer than I've let myself believe. Maybe it's some lingering, buried humanity that compels me to try to find friends and companionship despite what I've become. Die, at least, would probably understand, but he's an elf and from what I've gathered he's from the sort of well-off family that probably did teach their children how to talk to people. I've come to realize that Ten understands more than his shiny happy self would let on, and I'm sure he'd say it's just me being more than what I am. I wanted to go for him anyway, because he was feeling down last night. Lain seems nice enough, and Ismae is Forsaken like me. Even that elf girl who showed up and started stripping (Aquita?) was all about the love and acceptance. So I guess I thought it would be a good idea because they've lulled me into a false sense of security.

But what it comes down to is that I'm not prepared when someone who is an ally, especially one of my own kind, becomes hostile, especially for something absolutely incredibly reasonable like me obviously being involved with someone I have no business being involved with. What was I going to do, attack her? Caeryn is my sister's boss, for all intents and purposes, and a Deathstalker and a Forsaken and someone who has every right to call me out for forgetting myself. And I was already feeling like a tool for eavesdropping on Die and Ismae even if that was completely Ten's idea. I appreciated Die coming to our rescue claiming there was an emergency down by the docks, but it's not like it wasn't deserved. I don't deserve someone like Ten.

I wish I didn't still feel like I needed companionship. I wish I could be the unfeeling killing machine the Executioner clearly wants me to be. I'm good at this, sick as it is. But even as one of the Scourge I wasn't alone. Not that that was painless either.

Maybe I just need to try harder.

I don't know how he can just forgive me like that, unless this is some paladin turn-the-other-cheek

Bad choice of words.

I knew that someday it would likely come to this, to Ten's confidence and his need to prove himself ending in me finding his bleeding, broken body out in the snow up here. He thought he would have the power to fight them all. I thought I would be strong enough to still resist the taint in my thoughts even if it was pushing me to do something that I actually really wanted. I just couldn't let him go yet, I couldn't let them take him away from me forever when I could bring him back. And I could make him not hate me for it if I had to. That's the most unforgivable, that I considered that. We've always been controlled by others. That I even considered doing that to him... Even if he's forgiven me, I don't know that I ever can.

I assume it was the Light still clinging to him that brought him back from death while I was fighting with myself. The Light saved him from me. I don't think the Light will be able to heal the runes I left on his face, though. They'll always be there to remind me that deep down I'm no better than any of the others anymore. I would have left after leaving him with the Crusade, just to save him from myself, but I felt like I had to stay and face his wrath. In the absence of his wrath, I'm just going to have to face my own.

I'm all he has. How sad and terrible is that?

Dare,

So y'know that Caeryn woman that troll in Brill was asking you to ask me to ask Bloodaxe about? My friend Saraquael was apparently contacted by someone "from the Undercity" named Rosse saying that she's missing. Miss Sara was under the impression it was him she was off working for, so now she's worried. I'm sure wherever Caeryn is she can take care of herself, but I'm following up for Miss Sara's sake.

So...you heard of this Rosse guy?

-Meg

P.S.- I'm sober enough now to have figured out the trick with the frozen mug. Real cute. I think I'll keep my soul and endure the tepid beer.

((To be continued in megwheeler's journal!))