Log in

10 February 2011 @ 05:00 pm
I haven't had much quiet time to just sit and write lately.  I used to do it when Ten was asleep, but that doesn't happen anymore because he died.

It wasn't something I wanted for him, it wasn't something I ever would have done if I didn't have to, but I promised him I would.  I promised I'd raise him when he died.  When it came down to it, when I found him there bleeding out into the snow, I didn't even have the power to do it myself.  Sometimes I wonder if that was just a ploy, if the swords wouldn't give me the power I needed to raise him because they knew it was a chance to take him for their own.  Maybe they knew that was the only chance I would ever give them to taste his soul.  I never wanted to subject him to that hunger, I never wanted to make him anything worse than just undead, but that was the price they asked of me to bring him back.  He's Reckoner's now, and I'm Revenant's.

He's finally learning why it was so hard for me to be with him at first, why it was so terrifying for me.  He's learning about the hunger.  He's learning how hard it is to be around the living with a runeblade whispering to you.  I remember when we sat on the lake near Brill and I told him how scared I was that the ice would melt, that terrible things would happen if I let myself love him.  I think he understands that a lot better now.  And maybe this was the ice melting, maybe this was us falling into the lake and getting soaked, but it doesn't seem to hurt.  I feel guilty for turning him over to Reckoner, but I can't dwell on it while he's so content.  He's more stable now, more sane.  And I might worry sometimes that he won't need me anymore, not now that he's dead, but I know he does.  Even if he's not crazy, even if he doesn't need to be taken care of, he still needs me.  I can feel it.  I can feel it in his soul.  It's comforting.

Our souls are bonded by the swords.  They were one once, they were Lichreaver, and they're still one.  They always spoke to me with one voice.  But they're also two.  I know this is weird crazy stuff, but it's the only way I can explain it.  They are both one and two.  And now we are both one and two.  I can sense his feelings now.  Etheris was always able to talk to me, to...nudge me the way he wanted me to go, but it only went one way most of the time.  He could read me like an open book, but I could never read him.  Because I was his slave, I guess.  But Ten and I are equal, and it goes both ways.  I can feel him, all the way to the corrupted tatters of my soul.

I don't deserve any of this.
03 January 2011 @ 08:41 pm
 Last night, for the first time in a very long time and only the second time since my death, I slept. I didn't need to, I wasn't feeling tired or fuzzy-headed or anything, I just wanted to try again. Ten and I made love, and then we talked about some stuff, just "pillow talk" really, but it settled some things I had been worrying about. I worry sometimes how much I'm still affected by all that Etheris did to me, and sometimes I still second-guess myself and ask if whatever it is I want is truly what I do want. I worried that I was looking to Ten to be the master I no longer have, but that's not it at all. He's the shining knight I used to dream of when I was alive.

The last time I tried to sleep Etheris' soul was still inside me, and he took that chance to speak to me. There were others there, too, all the screaming anguished cries of all the souls my blades have taken. This time, feeling safe curled up against him, I was able to face it. He was there in my dreams, but he was...more. In my dream - Was it even a dream? It seemed more like...a deeper level of my own mind, but I guess that's what dreaming is - he was a great Red Dragon, and I was another one of the swords' victims. Is that true, then? They have my soul too, even though I'm still here in my body. I don't want to think like that, though. I won't think of myself as a victim. I would hate myself. But I guess it's the truth, whether I deny it or not. I was just another of their victims in my dream, and Ten came and flew down on great red wings and then he was him, but he still had the wings, but they glowed with the Light and he wrapped us up together in them and he protected me. In the middle of that sea of pain and turmoil he protected me.

I forgot how strange dreaming could be.
08 December 2010 @ 01:18 pm
This voyage has been...interesting.

Ten and I reported to the dock this morning - yesterday morning?  It's hard to tell down here. - to ship out with some other Horde soldiers for the new island.  For the most part the trip was uneventful.  It was a mercenary ship, but well-maintained, and with so many Horde soldiers on board armed to the teeth there was little chance we'd have any trouble with pirates.  It wasn't until we were nearly there that we were attacked, not by the Alliance or pirates but by a giant monster!  Everything that happened then is a blur of creaking wood and splashing ocean and the screams of men I never would have thought capable of fear.  The ship went down, and it was only thanks to the help of some shaman who were investigating the area that we survived.  Yes, we: Ten and I both made it through unhurt, and we even managed to stay together through it.

We ended up spending the day helping the shaman and the other surviving Horde soldiers save survivors and fend off the naga that keep attacking down here.  The shaman made it so we can breathe and made it a little easier to move.  They even helped us tame some seahorses!  It's not at all what I expected to be doing, but it's not a bad change at all.  I like helping people for once, and the naga give my swords all that they need.  I have to keep chipping ice off my armor, and Ten's hair is going to be a total wreck, but it's better than the battlefield I thought we'd see.  As long as I can keep myself bandaged up enough to stop the fish from nibbling I'll be just fine down here.

It's given me a chance to forget my departure from the Undercity.  Meridith has been working with the Apothecaries in the field, and she heard that Koltira Deathweaver had gotten in trouble with Sylvanas in Andorhal for what she called "carrying on relations with the enemy".  I assume she means that human Death Knight Thassarian, the one he was friends with before (as much as Scourge can be said to have "friends").  She didn't say much specific, the whole point of telling me seemed to be to threaten me.  She's not happy about my continued relationship with a Blood Elf.  To her all living people are potential enemies, and she sees it as treason waiting to happen.  She said the Dark Lady had "something truly horrible and absolutely necessary" planned for Koltira, something to break him, and she implied that the same thing could happen to me.  I was so angry all I could do was walk out.  The success the Forsaken have had on the field thanks to the RAS has made her head swell.  She's not my commander anymore.  After this, she's not even my friend.  Fuck her.

But I'm not going to think about that.  We're here, and there's no reason to let that bother me.  There's no shortage of fish for me to cook for Ten's breakfast.  I should go find some.
05 December 2010 @ 06:23 pm
 Ten and I are shipping out soon.  When everything exploded the other day an island rose in the sea near Stormwind, and our new Warchief wants it.

I'm glad to be given something to do for the Horde rather than just the Forsaken, and something that Ten will be fighting for too, but I have my reservations about this new Warchief.  I worry that he's not going to know when to back down.  I worry that the whole thing that happened with that Tauren chieftain Cairne, that escalation and unwillingness to lose face, is going to show itself in his battlefield strategy.  I know I don't really have any reason to think this, apart from rumors about his personality.  I'm just not used to going to war under someone who I haven't gotten a feel for yet.  I want to feel confident that if we get there and the Alliance outnumbers us 10 to 1 and we're smashing into a wall he'll be willing to call a retreat.  I don't want to die again just so some orc with too much to prove can show the world how big his dick is.  I don't want Ten to die for that.

I'm worried, too, about how cavalier Ten is about the idea of dying.  Just because I CAN bring him back doesn't mean everything will be happy and normal.  I don't want to see him reduced to the same thing I am any sooner than absolutely necessary.  He already has enough problems.

It looks like it'll still be another day or two before we have to report in, so I'm spending tomorrow in the Undercity gathering up the last of my things and notifying people that I'm going back to the battlefield.  With everything my own people have been doing since Arthas fell, I won't be surprised if the place is torn apart by the time I get back.  At this rate they'll have the Argent Crusade at their throats soon, if not the Alliance or even the Horde itself.
24 November 2010 @ 10:45 am
I don't really have a lot of time to write right now, but I feel like I should get some of this down.

Yesterday morning something horrible happened.  I'm still not really sure what it was, someone said something about a dragon but I don't know if even a dragon could do all that.  Ten was sleeping and I was just sitting there and there was this horrible noise west of Ratchet and once I woke Ten up and we went to look around we found that a huge rift had been torn through the Barrens.  We ended up going south a little later and that area with all the big stone pillars, Thousand Needles or whatever they call it, it was all flooded.  Ten freaked out, so we didn't explore much more after that, just went back to Ratchet. I've heard from the goblins that Booty Bay was hit pretty bad, and there's talk in Ratchet of massive damage in Stormwind.  I'd kind of like to see Stormwind.

We went back to the Eastern Kingdoms because I wanted to see if the Forsaken lands were okay.  It's been a while since I was out there, a couple months at least, and they seem to have been busy rerouting all the resources they were spending in the fight up north to rebuilding things at home.  They don't seem to have been hit by whatever tore up the Barrens and everything else.  They've brought the Blightspreaders back south, though, and they have them parked right out in the middle of everything.  I heard talk in Brill that Sylvanas had val'kyr out in Deathknell raising any corpses they could get a hold of and welcoming any stable enough to fight to the Forsaken ranks.  I'm not sure how much I can blame them, considering the push the Alliance seems to have made into the Plaguelands, and I really do feel that the Plaguelands belong to US, but raising more people doesn't sit right with me.  They approved my assignment with the Crimson Battleguard and that'll keep me away from it.  I can't stop them, I don't think I could even tell them it's not the right thing considering what the humans are doing in Lordaeron, but I don't want to be a part of it.

Ten says I'm not one of them, that I don't have to take what they're doing to heart, but I can't feel that way.
17 November 2010 @ 10:53 pm
 I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.  The elementals are slowing gaining ground.  We fight them back, but the city still burns around them.  And every creak of burning timber, every roar of flame takes me back to Stratholme.  I've been able to anchor myself with the battle so far, that and Ten, but I don't know how much longer I can do it.
17 November 2010 @ 02:09 pm
Watching Ten sleep, hoping he'll be better in the morning.  He seemed a little bit better by the time he went to sleep, so I'm feeling optimistic.  He caught a cold, some weird magical cold that he couldn't just cure on his own, while we were helping with the elementals invading Thunder Bluff.  I don't know how to handle stuff like that, but that troll friend of his, Zurali, helped him.  I'm better at making people ill than curing them.

It was quiet, too quiet, for months and now everything is happening all at once.  Well, okay, the earthquakes have been going on for a little while, but they were little things that could be overlooked.  There was nothing there to kill.  Then that cult started up in Orgrimmar.  Meridith said they weren't a new cult, they had been around for a while but usually didn't stand around in cities shouting about things.

All this cult business reminds me too much of the Cult of the Damned.  I don't want to think about that.  I don't think I want to know what Meridith wanted that book for, either, after the way she was talking about it.  She said it was like her old Tome, the one that drove her kind of crazy - not that she brought that part up - and it would...now that I think about it, I never got a clear idea of what she intended for it.  She didn't really say why she wanted it.  And I really really should have kept my mouth shut when I saw that Ephe woman Meridith said it used to belong to at the Kodo.  I know that I have a bad feeling about this, and that's all I really need to know.  I told Meridith I'd be working with Commander Blacksun's new unit and wouldn't be able to assist her as much.  Hopefully I can stay out of it that way.  She's been a good...employer?  friend?...since I arrived in the Undercity, but ever since the Executioner took the Tome and the Kor'kron took over the Apothecarium she hasn't been quite right.

I hate to sound happy about destruction, but these elementals have at least given me something to feed on other than pirates.  Elemental souls feel...weird.  Kind of exhilarating, actually.  I'm worried about what all this might be leading to if it can't be contained, but whatever happens, Ten's with me, and we have a proper unit to work with, with a proper commander and proper orders.  We will survive, one way or another.
21 September 2010 @ 09:46 pm
 Some people are reminded of lost family around Winter Veil.  I'm reminded of mine at Brewfest.